I’ve spent most of my life in search of a seemingly elusive quality: Confidence.
Wondering why some folks just seem to have Confidence, and other just don’t.
It always perplexed me.
What is luck? Or chance?
Was it the parents you had, or the schools you went to?
Was it where you grew up in the world?
What is the secret ingredient that fills someone with innate confidence?
After having my confidence crushed many years ago in my former career, (and not having a real solid foundation of it to begin with), I began seeking out the parts of me that were in the way of my confidence. The beliefs, the ideas, the negative thought loops that continued to undermine my abilities to be, do and have everything that I thought my life could be but hadn’t quite materialized yet.
So over the last 18 years, I’ve been on this mission to figure out what makes people tick (myself included). To better understand where others found their confidence and more importantly, how do you get it back when it’s gone missing.
This mission has led me to countless books, trainings and thousands of hours of studying and practice to help me understand this challenge that so many people are plagued by secretly.
This challenge that I was plagued with for so long, until I wasn’t.
Until I was able to get at the heart of my lack of confidence and lack of belief in myself in different ways and pull those old beliefs out like an ornery weed.
It’s at the root of why I’m so passionate about my work as an Executive Confidence Coach and RTT Practitioner. Because now I know where to find that elusive confidence and how to help others find theirs too.
Has Your Confidence Gone Missing?
If your confidence seems to have been misplaced, you’re probably wondering “Where did it go?” but more importantly, “How can I get it back?”
The secret to reclaiming your confidence is all in your brain…
And, the stories you tell yourself.
Let’s dip our toe into a bit of neuroscience for just a moment.
There’s a part of your brain called the Amygdala that is responsible for your fight or flight mechanism. This is the part of your brain that naturally wants to move you away from pain and towards pleasure to help you survive and live another day.
Now, your Amygdala (or Amy as I like to refer to her), really just wants to keep you safe. That is her one and only concern, to Keep You SAFE. So if at various points along your path something happened to you, or someone said something to you that hurt you in some way (physically or emotionally) then Amy takes careful note of that scenario and will do everything in her power to help you steer clear of any remotely similar kind of event in the future.
This decision that your brain has just made is now neatly and quietly stored away in your subconscious. And once it’s in your subconscious, it will remain there until you consciously replace that belief with a new one.
So the key here is to uncover and uproot those old beliefs that are getting in your way of soaring, so you can replace them with more effective, empowering beliefs, enabling you to achieve your dreams.
Here are some common, well-worn beliefs that might be getting in your way of success, satisfaction and confidence:
· “I’m not good enough.”
· “Who am I to do…?”
· “I’m not talented enough to achieve…”
· “I (secretly) don’t think I’m worthy enough so how can I possibly feel confident?”
· “I’m not smart enough to accomplish…”
· “I’m not healthy enough to complete…”
· “I’m not _____________ (fill in the blank) Enough”
And the list goes on…
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
The good news is that you can rewire your brain for more confidence.
It’s literally all in what you tell yourself. What you believe about yourself. The more you think a thought, the more true it becomes for you because your brain likes repetition.
So if you’re constantly telling yourself, you’re NOT good enough, well guess what, that is what you’re going to believe and all your actions (both conscious and unconscious) are going to be based on that belief.
You will be far more likely to stay stuck inside your “comfort zone,” to not risk standing up for yourself, or trying something new, or advocating for yourself for fear of getting it wrong. Leaving you feeling dissatisfied, frustrated and discontent.
Just take a moment to see where your story of “Not Being Enough” has kept your confidence under wraps, kept you from achieving what you want to achieve, and having the life you really want to be living?
If the effects of this false inner story are creating a life that is unfulfilling for you, then keep reading.
Here Are 3 Keys To Building The Habit Of Confidence
Harness Your Happy Chemicals
As I mentioned previously, your brain is always going to want to move you towards pleasure and away from pain. Determine what your desired outcome is and take baby steps in that direction.
Is your goal to ask for a raise? Or lose 10 pounds? Or start your own business? Whatever it is, get clear on the motivation behind the goal, your Compelling Why and Core Values for achieving it, and use that to help drive your motivation.
With each step you take in the direction of your goal, even the tiniest of steps, you can celebrate yourself, thus releasing Dopamine, one of your 4 happy chemicals in your brain that makes you feel good.
With each step you take, each task you check off your list, each time you stretch a little further outside your comfort zone, you’re reinforcing this good feeling of accomplishment. This helps to build stronger neural pathways in your brain and increasing the desire and the confidence you have to achieve your goal.
For example, if your goal is to have healthier eating habits so you can lose 10 pounds, then visualize what this looks like and FEELS like in your minds eye once you’ve achieved the results you’re seeking. Think about the steps you need to take and the results you want to accomplish in full Technicolor detail. Think about how confident in your own skin you’ll feel.
Mentally walking yourself through the process of success and joy and the benefits it brings you, can rewire your brain to be motivated by delight instead of dread.
Visualization is a powerful tool.
Athletes do it to enhance their success and so can you.
The more you can visualize in your mind and feel what it will feel like to be more confident, the more your brain will adopt that belief. You see, emotion is more powerful than logic.
As you’re seeing yourself acting more confidently in your mind’s eye, knowing that you are enough, feeling what that feels like, you’re wiring stronger and stronger neural pathways in your brain. Thus creating familiarity around this feeling of confidence throughout your body at a cellular level.
Your mind loves what’s familiar. As a matter of fact, your mind will always choose what is more familiar in times of stress, so the more you can bolster this feeling of confidence, the more quickly it becomes the “go to channel” in times of stress and discomfort as the old beliefs of not being good enough recede into the past.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Overnight success is usually built on years of hard work and practice.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Outliers” he talks about the 10,000-Hour Rule. His research shows that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to create mastery. Now, I’m not saying that you have to spend 10,000 hours visualizing your confidence to reclaim it, but practice does make perfect.
Spend time telling yourself you CAN.
That You Are Enough.
That You Are Capable and Confident.
Tell yourself you are enough when you get up in the morning and before you go to bed at night.
Tell yourself that you are enough as you drive to work or out running errands.
Tell yourself that you are enough, capable and confident everyday, throughout the day.
These happy thoughts will bolster how you feel about yourself, and they also help dispense another happy chemical, serotonin in your body, helping you to take those small steps in the direction you want to go.
All of which will continue to strengthen those neural pathways of confidence in your brain. Building a stronger habit of confidence at a cellular level, enabling you to do what you previously though you couldn’t do.
Sooner than you realize, you’ll have taken 10,000 steps in the direction of greater confidence, and you’ll look back wondering, “What was I ever worried about?”
Let me know how you do with building your habit of confidence.
If you’re struggling with it, I’m here to help.
Let’s find a time to chat and you can tell me what you’re challenged with on this confidential and complimentary call. I’ve overcome my own struggles with confidence and I know you can too.
You can also get a free copy of my ebook “Tapping Into Your Power & Presence” which includes a relaxing guided MP3 recording to help boost your confidence.
To Your Success!
Michele Molitor, CPCC, PCC, ARTT, C-Hyp
Your Executive Confidence Coach & Rapid Rewire Expert
As the founder and CEO of Nectar Consulting, Inc., Michele works with executives and entrepreneurs bringing over 25 years of experience, intuitive insights and strategic business savvy to your success.
Her unique Rapid Transformational Coaching approach is a culmination of years of study in the realms of emotional intelligence, neuroscience, organizational psychology and Rapid Transformational Therapy, to help catalyze shifts in your thinking, and eliminate mental/emotional blocks and rapidly rewire your brain for greater confidence and success. Enhancing your capacity as a leader, is key to building high performing teams and exponentially increasing bottom line results.
As a nationally recognized speaker, certified executive coach, Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) practitioner, organizational development consultant, trainer, and writer, Michele’s passion for helping you amplify your natural talents and expand your leadership is conveyed through all aspects of her work and writing.
Her latest best selling book, “Breakthrough Healing” is available on Amazon and has variety of published articles on CNN, SelfGrowth, Lifehack and The Mogul Mom. She has spoken at various leadership conferences nationwide such as IEEE Leadership Conference, SHRM Leadership Development Forum, NCCEP, and SSATB.
Learn more at NectarConsulting.com.